+44 1356 626 768  niall@niallbenvie.com

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I have note books that fill slowly with stray ideas and observations, just waiting to find a home in articles. Well, it could be a long wait for some of them so I’ll post them here in the meantime. If you want to use them, please acknowledge their origin! My outlook on life is somewhat less dystopian and misanthropic than some of these lines suggest, and others* should be taken with a large pinch of salt.

“If nothing ever happened to you, you’d have no stories to tell.”

“There’s nothing more ugly than a beautiful woman who scowls or lovely than a plain one who smiles.”

“In a storm, I’d rather be a willow than an oak.”

“Brechin would be a city dying on its feet if only it could get out of its bath chair.”

“You can make a horse drink, if you add molasses to the water.”

“Corporate advertising is an odious practice in which the cynical too often persuade the gullible to buy things they don’t need, with money they don’t have, for reasons they don’t understand.”

“I assert authority over my children whenever they give me permission to do so.”

“A flat battery will get you nowhere.”

“The older I get, the more like myself I become.”

“When you are a wannabe, aspire to be a has-been: it will mean that, at some point, you made it.”

“I really do not enjoy swimming. When ever I get in a pool, I’m like a fish out of water.”

“The Scottish terrier is a fine, multi-purpose breed: you can use it for mopping as well as sweeping.”

“Why is it that you can buy just about anything you want at an airport except the one thing you really need: a parachute?”

“I can’t stand the pretentiousness surrounding coffee. For me, a capuccino is simply coffee with brown scum.”

“You can’t patch a hole whose edges are frayed.”

“Ill fortune has sharper elbows than serendipity.”

“Success is the stimulus for failure to re-group.”

“To the flea, it makes no difference which way the hedgehog’s spines point.”

“There is about as much chance of capping CO2 emissions at 400 ppm as the average American man has of capping his weight at 150 lbs.”

“Aberdeenshire is as large as it is so that the locals can turn their Landrovers without leaving the county.”

“If you call an Indian restaurant, can you make a reservation?”

“If New York is the city that never sleeps, Brechin is one that doesn’t get out of bed until 11am then mooches around all day in its pyjamas, teeth unbrushed and hair uncombed.”

“No job vacancy here. A Czech is in the post.”

“In out-running Mother Earth, the smart human kids have been looking over their shoulder to gloat too much, not noticing the swamp they are heading into. Now Mother Earth is getting ready to box their ears.”

“Even the worst of men, one day, make good compost, for a while at least.”

“We are told that the credit crunch is leading Americans to tighten their belts. One wonders if this will stimulate demand for larger belts.”

“Childhood was a difficult time for me. Neither of my children ever did as they were told.”*

“Ask any mother how Intelligent she thinks the Design of her pelvis and her baby’s head was and she’ll tell you that God is a man.”

“The style of a photographer is best displayed in what she keeps rather than what she shoots.”

“My son’s idea of multi-tasking involves having both parents doing different things for him at the same time.”

“When two hedgehogs want to pass in a narrow lane, each must pull in its spines.”

“Some relationships are all loops and no hooks.”

“Here’s a great new defensive parenting strategy: as soon as a child achieves the height of the shorter parent, it should be encouraged to leave home.”*

“We’re on a motorway with our foot hard to the floor driving, in a Clarksonesque fashion, straight at a brick wall marked 400 ppm [ of atmospheric CO2] and believing we can go through it unscathed.”

“I am wired, therefore I am.”

“It is easy to be virtuous in the absence of temptation.”

“Once the milk is in the cornflakes, it is too late to go looking for a spoon.”

” Love Mother Nature! Just make sure that Father Nature doesn’t find out.”

“You can’t expect a growth in interest if you stop paying into the marital account.”

“If no one has ever stopped you from doing something, you’ve probably never done anything exciting”